remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
