watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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