i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
