God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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