I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
