I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
