Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
