your parents love me but you hate me
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
