Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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