I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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