Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
where does the pee come out of this thing
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
