there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
His hands were made for my vagina.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
