Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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