I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
