this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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