I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
