FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I stole a fireplace last night.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
