No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
