She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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