my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
