You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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