Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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