I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
we're so committed to being not committed
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
