I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
