Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
