my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
