Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
