I bet he comes in French.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize