i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
