Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
