So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
