my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize