mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
