do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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