Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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