Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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