I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
