Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
