now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
