I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
