The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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