I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
