I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
