It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
