Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Randomize
