I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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