You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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