o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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