I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
