He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Shame - the story of my life.
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