I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
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