I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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