Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
