All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I cannot find my penis.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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