We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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