I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We named our party play list daddy issues
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
