hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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