guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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