i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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