He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
